Personally, as much as I don't want to say this, if you don't feel that he is a fit father then he doesn't have to try to help raise this kid with you. I do think that he should know about it though, but it's possible he will be happy that you don't want him to take an active role. I do think that he deserves that chance, even if he wants to take it. But, just because you two are sharing a kid together doesn't mean that you have to share a life or relationship together. It is very mature and smart of you to be able to realize that he isn't a good guy for you, even if that's a hard decision to come to (and I know it is!).

There are lots of single moms, even on this website, and they are great. Not all guys are meant to be dads, and many people need to grow into that role, so there is nothing wrong with you being honest with thinking that he isn't a good match for you to have a family with. You have plenty of people who love and support you. This is a tough road, you don't need to surround yourself with losers who are just going to hinder your success.

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So when you're happy (Hurray!), or sad (Aw!),
Or frightened (Eeek!), or mad (Rats!)
An interjection starts a sentence right.

First of all, about your boyfriend: I'd dump him. If he's promised and promised to change and hasn't, chances are he's not going to change. His behavior is way out of line; he sounds overly controlling and it almost sounds like you might be headed to a physically abusive relationship (I'm already fairly sure you're in an emotionally abusive one). However, he does deserve to know about his child. I'd start out by planning out what you're going to say by writing it down first, until you have a general idea. Then, I'd enlist the help of a good friend to come with you when you hopefully drop the two bombs (maybe 3): one, you want to break up, two, you're having a baby, and 3, you're keeping it. Make sure to sit down and talk to him about what kind of involvement he wants with the child (if any).

The reason I suggest the friend is because his behavior sounds pretty unstable. You aren't sure what he'll do when he finds out about the baby (and hopefully break up), and having a friend with you will help to keep you safe, and also encourage him to keep his temper/emotions in check and not harm you (which from what you've written, I think he's capable of).

Remember, you do have options if you decide to keep the baby. You can keep it yourself, but then you're putting your life on hold; realize what that will do to your future. Schooling will be incredibly hard, finding a job will be hard, a large chunk of whatever money you earn will go to the baby. There won't really be extra material items for you anymore; the money will go to your baby. Just know that being a teenage mom is really hard and pregnancy is not a nice romanticized time. I'm not trying to discourage you from keeping it, just trying to help you realize everything that goes with it.  

That being said, giving the baby up for adoption is another option. Many couples can't have children, and will leap at the chance to adopt a newborn baby. Open adoptions are becoming more popular, where the birth mother still maintains contact with the child and parents, so take that in consideration. Visit a Planned Parenthood or ask your parents to help you find more information about adoption if this is something that interests you.

Good luck.

Post edited at 7:17 pm on Aug. 28, 2008 by dovelove

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When I play doctor, I play to win.

It's a rollercoaster ride but it's something that any woman is capable of. Many thousands of women throughout history have stood up and raised amazing kids all on their own. It has it's cons but it has a lot of pleasant things to look forward to as well. The important thing is that you understand that your relationships impact your child.

If you were to stay in this relationship, what kind of message would it send to your son or daughter? That it's ok for men to lie to women? That women's place is to put up with the lies quietly? That the most important thing in life is to have a partner, even if they treat you badly? There seems to be no redeeming message that it could bring and I think you need to consider that seriously. It's not just about you and your co-dependency anymore. You will soon be the ultimate role model for your child. ;-)

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Holly.
Mama to Hunter Kai

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Oh what to say about single motherhood.  

It's a rollercoaster ride but it's something that any woman is capable of. Many thousands of women throughout history have stood up and raised amazing kids all on their own. It has it's cons but it has a lot of pleasant things to look forward to as well. The important thing is that you understand that your relationships impact your child.  

If you were to stay in this relationship, what kind of message would it send to your son or daughter? That it's ok for men to lie to women? That women's place is to put up with the lies quietly? That the most important thing in life is to have a partner, even if they treat you badly? There seems to be no redeeming message that it could bring and I think you need to consider that seriously. It's not just about you and your co-dependency anymore. You will soon be the ultimate role model for your child. ;-)

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So your basically saying that it could be better for me and my child to get away from him,because that is really the only thing i want to be a good parent and not have my child hate me. I'm terrified by not having the father around it will grow up to hate me because i pretty much took its father away! But then again it could be a good thing because it would show my child to be independent and to not rely on other people.

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So your basically saying that it could be better for me and my child to get away from him,because that is really the only thing i want to be a good parent and not have my child hate me. I'm terrified by not having the father around it will grow up to hate me because i pretty much took its father away! But then again it could be a good thing because it would show my child to be independent and to not rely on other people.

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In this situation, yes, it sounds like this guy is not someone who's going to likely be involved or a good responsible father. He hasn't even managed minor changes in order to keep a healthy relationship and I don't see that changing under the extreme stress to come.

Like I said before, it's important to set a good example to your child and allow them to grow up in the most healthy environment possible and that doesn't sound likely with him in the picture.

As long as you love your child and have patience, it will not hate you for not having a father. Sticking with a shitty father is one of the worst things you can do for or to your child. It is not a benefit, it's a detractor to their comfort, self esteem and success.

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Holly.
Mama to Hunter Kai