This may become an e-help. This is in the serious forum to avoid people just posting for points or whatever.
I seem to have lost all sense of self. I feel as if I am slowly dying on the inside. It feels like that process is speeding up a little each day, I have intense urges to hurt myself in the hopes of alleviating the constant pain.
I know people here probably don't know what to say to me. But I continue on living. Living in such pain and sadness, that I don't know why I should continue living.
But sometimes I get these weird feelings and visions of
suicide. I have said I wanted to show others the pain I was in by killing myself, I have also said in the past how badly I wanted those who would be affected by my death to suffer for the rest of their lives, I said this out of the only thing that kept me going. All of it culminated into a hatred that has kept me alive these past years. I hated everyone that caused my suffering and hated those who saw, but did nothing.
I despised them all. I wanted to force she who did something that was the last I could take, to experience the pain she inflicted onto me a hundredfold, a thousandfold.
I live each day, not really feeling anything anymore.
I have become completely numb, I can't have any sort of feelings toward anyone. I still can notice how others feel, but I feel nothing myself.
now, here is the e-help that this post is additional details for.
Things that I probably cannot say on the other forums. I feel like I've hit the point where I feel intense suicidal urges. I'm not saying I want to kill myself right now. I'm stating that I have these psychotic urges to die. Why do I say that? I say that because I'm still here suffering the same pains inflicted by someone, someone that somehow went through some changes and isn't the same terrible person she was before. She's my friend now. We are friends, again.
I wonder if it ever dawns on her that what she has done to me is irreversible and irreparable. Its probably slipped into her mind at least once. Maybe she would just think she was hearing things. Because she probably couldn't believe the amount of cruelty she was capable of and did inflict upon me. I never go into much details. All I will see is that she treated me like shit, like someone who was less than human and didn't have feelings. She broke me.
She can't fix me. She can be my friend, we can be friends yes, but don't think for one second that this suddenly makes me feel better. She better not think that for one second. She has hurt my feelings over and over and degraded me as a person over and over, that she has caused me to lose the ability to love. To love someone. I can't do it. I try to love myself, but I can't even do that.
And don't tell me some bullshit like go talk to her, I'm not that fucked up to make her bring up her own painful memories, I'm not stupid. I don't want to talk about anything relating to what happened with her. Never. Perhaps I will never get better. Maybe I should try out self mutilation to relieve the pain and become dependent on it, only to end up with scars everywhere and the pain coming back stronger. This is why I feel the way I do. No matter what she says, what she does, she cannot go back and fix things, just as much as I can't go back and fix things in my life.
It just cannot be done. A possibility is that she feels a little guilty. But thats just a possibility. But I'm hearing things again. I hear things like "she only wants you to be her friend again so her friend has an easier time getting closer to you" That echoes in my head all the time. Listen to me. I say its irreversible, because it has only gotten worse as the years went on.
There's no such thing as moving on. Move on while still feeling the same pain thats never let me go. The same hurting that holds on to me the more I try to distance myself from it. I'm sure now you want to know why we are even friends again. It was my choice. Her being my friend doesn't affect the pain inside me. It doesn't get worse because of her or get better because of her.
I rather not lose another friend. But the agony..of all the pain It has intensified on its own. I stayed in seclusion while I suffered, I only listened to myself. I kept myself away from everyone. From everything. I felt myself rotting and withering away from all the emotional and mental abuse. That was a large reason for my loss of feelings.
I care for nothing anymore, because the loving personality I used to be has dissolved. Where that once was is a cold, numb person. Someone that has long since died on his insides. Someone that keeps calling out for help even though help will never come and if I got help, I would only end up on medication that would further intensify my intense urges to kill myself. There's no hope for me is there? Thats probably why its a very high chance people will look at this and have nothing to say to me. What will they say?ell me the same old things. Tell me that it has to get better, when you know it probably won't.
Tell me many things, not knowing the years I had to spend alone. How I had no one to listen to me then and no one now. The one person I used to tell everything to is so busy its almost as if they are ignoring me. They really are busy, they aren't lying to me. Its just that they are so busy they don't have time to sit and talk with me anymore. By the time they have a chance to talk with me, they're too exhausted to do so. I'm not going to write more about this for a while, if this e-help gets no replies kindly delete it because I'd rather see an attempt at assisting me somehow than nothing at all, like my other e-helps with zero replies.
So read this if you want to, but don't berate me for being this way, because I sure as hell don't like it one bit, never have, and never will. But this is probably the way I'm going to be until the day I kill myself or I die miserably when I reach old age.
388 users online 
184509 members 
You have 1 new message.
Patron
